A Girl, A Boy and Everything Else
by Cassandraishere
Summary: This is based off an essay I read online on toxic masculinity, hegenomic masculinity and alternative masculinity. I don't know how successful I will be with properly conveing my thoughts here. This is a growing together fic, there will be Everlark endgame. The whole thing I'm working through here is Katniss' acceptange of hegonomic masculinity and how that hurts her relationships


"Good evening," Peeta's gentle tone drifted to the parlor as he spoke softly to Sae at the front door.

"Evening. I have to leave a little early tonight, there's nobody home to put my granddaughter to bed." Sae's rougher voice answered. Pleasantries were exchanged and eventually the front door was closed.

Katniss' eyes didn't move away from her window. She was watching the moon and Peeta never seemed terribly bothered if she made no eye contact during his visits. He understood her and her drifting. It was one of those infuriatingly likable things about him.

Peeta's steps caused the hardwood floors to creek. One step always heavier than the other due to his prosthetic. He turned on the lights as he went, picked things up off the floor as he encountered them.

Once within the parlor, he sat on the arm chair to her left, far outside her field of vision. She could hear the chair groan under his imposing frame, as it was a diminutive thing. She could hear rustling and the clink of something against the glass coffee table.

"I brought your medication for this week. I've been told that you need 500gm twice a day." Katniss nodded to show him she was listening but her eyes didn't turn away from the window. "there's instructions within the bottles. Main thing though, how've you been today?"

Katniss tilted her head slightly in a concessive manner, "nothing too… extreme?"

"Hmm, that's good. Feeling any better than yesterday?"

Katniss' eyes fell to her hands in her lap, they were tangled with the knitted blanket Sae had tucked around her before she left. "I don't think there's been any change really."

"That isn't a bad thing. It'll take some time." She looked towards him then and he met her gaze and smiled. One could almost argue the war had never happened as he sat in her parlour, only nineteen, with a light dusting of freckles across his nose and cheeks which were pink from the cold. His looks were so deceivingly youthful, especially for a war hero.

Peeta's light brown eyebrows came together as he grew concerned for her, "is there something wrong?"

She shook her head. "Just drifting." Katniss paused momentarily as she focused on pushing the words out of past her lips, "would you sit with me for a bit?"

She turned back to the window as Peeta came to sit next to her. He didn't say anything, he wasn't even close enough for her to really feel his proximity, so she reached blindly to hold his hand.

Peeta's hand patted hers gently, he felt very separate from her, which was something she didn't think she would ever grow used to.

"Things are going to be okay, Katniss. Just give it time, you'll see."

* * *

The next morning Katniss stopped by Peeta's house, as she usually did after she hunted. Maybe she did it because she was so used to trading with his father for bread, or maybe she just wanted to visit him in a setting that didn't feel as if he was taking care of an ill family member.

She entered his house through the kitchen door, which was located near the back of the house. She didn't knock or announce herself in any way, as she never truly had.

Peeta wasn't in the kitchen.

She stood there awkwardly for a moment, unused to him not being there, not simply anticipating her behaviour. Breaks in the routine of how their relationship functioned were rare and Katniss had never been the one who took the first step.

After a moment of further hesitation she dropped her game bag in his oversized sink and walked slowly into the main living space. She didn't see him but she did hear his voice coming closer from somewhere deeper within the house but for some reason Katniss didn't feel as if she should step any further upon his property.

Once he entered the room she could see that he was speaking on the phone, in fact he was saying a pleasant goodbye once his eyes landed on her. He smiled at her softly, purely as an acknowledgement, then wished whoever he was speaking to a good day and put the phone down on a nearby table.

"Hey Katniss" he came towards her and bumped her shoulder with his fist in a friendly manner. "You brought me something?"

She nodded and followed him into the kitchen when he walked past her. "Rabbit or duck. It's your call."

He was poking around at the sink, looking into her game bag as she came to stand near him. She crossed her arms and waited, her lips spasming into something like a smile when his gaze fell on her.

"I'll take the duck." He pulled the animal out by his legs and placed it on the counter next to him. He was asking her something about whether or not she would like to take some bread home, or the type of bread she wanted or something else when Katniss cleared her throat and managed to get her suddenly difficult hand to lightly grasp his elbow.

"Peeta, I-" Katniss' eyes met his momentarily before she dropped them back to the empty space just to the right of his head. "I wanted to ask if you wanted to stay over at my house. Tonight."

Peeta frowned and Katniss felt fearful of his potential response. "Oh. No, Katniss. I can't do that." He squeezed the hand that was still resting on his elbow. "I can stay with you until you fall asleep again but I can't stay with you for the night."

Katniss frowned as well and dropped her hand away from him. It wasn't the first time she had implied he should stay with her a bit longer than he did during his nightly after diner visits. She assumed she was simply being too subtle but this was the first time he had ever rejected her outright.

She nodded and reached to pull her game bag out of the sink to make a hasty exit when Peeta paused her movements with a gentle touch to her shoulder.

"We should talk about this, it's what Dr. Aurelious would recommend for you."

She didn't say anything at first. The only people who currently took her mental health with the appropriate seriousness it required were Peeta and the doctor himself. Maybe the war had turned her into a masochist but abruptly the only thing Katniss cared to know was what Peeta could possibly be thinking about her at that very moment.

"Okay." Katniss put the bag back down in the sink. "I would like to talk about why you've been so distant with me ever since you came back to District Twelve."

Peeta sighed, his eyes flashing across her face to take in her expression properly. He nodded and tugged her towards the little breakfast nook within his kitchen.

"It's not that I've been distant-" Peeta began in a tone that implied one of his long speeches.

"But you have." Katniss stated firmly as she sat of on the corner of the booth. Peeta touched her shoulder in what was sure to be a friendly gentle manner but she flinched away. "We're supposed to be a team, aren't we?"

Peeta sat across from her and very purposely placed his hands upon the table. His gaze sought hers but every time she looked at him it felt like looking directly at the sun. "I'm not trying to be distant. I'm really not. I just want there to be boundaries between us, we need to understand what's okay and what isn't."

Katniss raised her eyebrows almost mockingly, but she was honestly just surprised and perhaps a little wounded. "Was this Dr. Aurelious's doing?"

"No." Peeta reached for her hand but she placed them in her lap instead. "We did talk about boundaries, but he never said anything about me putting boundaries on _you_, just things I should be careful doing. Triggers, thing to watch out for."

"You think I'm a trigger?" Katniss asked.

"No. You're not." Peeta sighed and tapped his fingers against the table in frustration. "That's not it."

"Then what is it?" Katniss asked again, suddenly capable of summoning the force of will to pressure this information out of him.

"It's… it's me." Their gazes met and he gulped. Why did it hurt so much to just look at him? "I want there to be boundaries. I care a lot about you, I always have and I always will. But after… everything that happened, I don't think it would be good for either of us to be that way with each other anymore."

"Good for you." Katniss said in a mildly accusing manner, her tone was tired and almost uninterested.

"Maybe." Peeta allowed, "I love you, Katniss. But, I know how things are. How they've always been. And I've always tried to give you what I can to make you happy and keep you safe but… you _know_ I've never wanted to be something I'm not."

Katniss was silent.

"Especially now, lying, I can't _do_ lying. It's really dangerous for me. You know that." He sighed again. "I guess what I'm trying to say is, I can't do things like that with you, ever. I'll always be your friend but anything that crosses that boundary… I can't do it. I just can't"

"We always had a very specific definition of friendship," Katniss said cryptically. She didn't immediately leave his house as something within her was insisting she do. Instead, she placed an elbow on the table and rested her head upon the palm of that hand. She looked over his kitchen.

"Yeah," he agreed. "but things aren't as intense now. We can be honest."

Katniss nodded.

"I'm sorry," he said.

Katniss looked over at him and saw his face looked troubled. Peeta had always been very open about his emotions, he never appeared ashamed of his sadness, or any emotion that may make him appear weaker. Katniss knew now that he was much stronger than her because of that.

"I love you too." Katniss stood and nodded awkwardly at him, "I should go home."

Peeta smiled but stayed put, "I'll be over later."

She nodded again and lingered slightly around his kitchen island before she gripped her game bag and strode quickly out of there.

As hard as she tried the severe aching she felt where her heart should be would not go away.

* * *

That night, after Peeta's nightly visit, Katniss closed every curtain in the living room and turned off all the lights in the house. Somehow she thought that if Peeta noticed she was awake from his house he would know what she was doing and come to check on her.

She sat down, turned on the television, and played the tape of the 74th Hunger Games.

Katniss hated everything that reminded her of the games. She hated how every single thing in that arena still haunted her, but for some reason, after seeing Peeta that day she simply needed to see these tapes again.

She was very quiet as the Career pack accompanied by Peeta filled her screen. It was the early days of their partnership. Cato was telling some story that would prove his masculinity reigned supreme. Peeta carried a dagger, he didn't speak a word, and walked along looking attentive to every little sound in the woods.

Katniss paused the video to cry.

* * *

In the morning Sae made her some grain for breakfast. Her granddaughter was playing some game she made up, dancer or princess, therefore she was spinning around the room and giggling.

Just looking at children hurt.

Sae sat at the table with her, her granddaughter climbed onto a chair to eat her breakfast as well.

"There's talk about finding the District a new Mayor." Sae said.

Katniss simply nodded, "that's nice."

Katniss pushed her spoon around her bowl for a while.

"You really shouldn't be watching those videos." Sae said while shaking her head. "You're in no place to see something like that."

Katniss didn't say anything and stared down at the table.

"Gale Hawthorne was on the news yesterday. He's been promoted. Head of Security." Sae said this as she wiped grain off her granddaughters cheek.  
"His mother must be real proud."

Katniss nodded and stared into space, oddly aware that somewhere in the house a clock was ticking audibly.

"They're already talking about elections." Sae continued, her eyes trained on her granddaughters erratic movements, "They're saying that every president only stays in office for a limited amount of time."

Katniss nodded, the clock still ringing in her head, "good."

It was silent. The war ended a year ago, right? Just one year.

"Peeta said he was redoing the bakery at the town meeting." Sae said. "Said he didn't feel right letting his daddy's business end with him."

Katniss frowned. "We have town meetings?"

Sae nodded, " almost every week. Thursdays."

"Where?" Katniss asked, "where can you fit the whole town?"

"You know there's not that many people here right now." Sae looked over at Katniss, "but they're at the boys house. He's got the largest."

Of course.

* * *

In the afternoon Katniss had to call her therapist, Dr. Aurelious. She sat on the window seat in her room, the phone pushed against her ear as she watched the street in front of her house idly.

"Hello Katniss." Aurelious answered on the third ring. One of Haymitch's geese wandered towards the decorative shrubbery that lined the streets.

"Hello." Katniss rested her hand against the glass. It was very cold so she kept it there, just to feel it.

"Have you received your new dosage? Have you started taking it?"

"Yes yesterday. It makes me feel slow."

"That's common. Hopefully, with enough time we'll be able to ween you off the anti-depressants."

"It's been a year since the war." Katniss stated.

"Yes," the doctor confirmed.

"Only a year." She paused, "the other day, when Peeta visited me, I was thinking about how young he looks. How young he _is_."

"How does that make you feel?"

"Like I'm ancient, but not." Katniss leaned back against the wooden panelling behind her. "I haven't seen my own reflection since I was in District 13."

"Why do you think that is?"

"I don't know." Katniss frowned.

"Are you afraid to see your reflection?"

"No." Katniss didn't elaborate.

"Peeta told me he talked to you about boundaries." Dr. Aurelious said after a quiet moment, "how did that make you feel?"

"I thought you couldn't speak about your patients to your patients?"

"I've made an exception in this unique case" Katniss grunted her disapproval.

"A long time ago Gale told Peeta I could not feel passion. He made it seem like I couldn't feel real love. Not the way they did." Katniss's voice broke. "Is that true? You've been studying my behaviour, is that true?"

"You're the only person who can answer that question, Katniss."

"I don't think I can." Katniss admitted, "at least not the way I want to. Not the way I should."

"There is no should in relationships, there just is." Aurelious said. "There is no template."

There was a brief silence. Katniss stared hard at the street thinking about all the things she should be able to do and know. She should be able to walk the streets of the District, she should be able to know how to speak to her peers. She should be able to look at other people in the eye. She should, should, should…

"Have you been writing in the journal I sent you?"

"No," she admitted. "I don't see the point."

"I would like you to write in the journal first before you make up your mind about its usefulness."

Katniss watched as more geese filled the street, "I should try."

"You should try."

* * *

After putting the phone down Katniss stared at the leather-bound notebook that sat on her bedside table. There was a fine layer of dust gathering on it, as it hadn't been mover nor opened since it arrived in her home. Standing on unstable legs, she crossed the room to hold the notebook in her hands.

Finally, after a moment of contemplation, Katniss opened the book. It was blank of course. Filled with lined paper waiting for someone to write something upon it.

She was about to close it to put it down once more when she spied a small note written on the front page.

_ The more you feel, the more you will heal_._ Take care._

-Dr. Anton Aurelious

It hurt to breathe, so she sat on her bed to try to calm down. How could she feel? When her heart… it was just, _gone_. Burned to ashes in an explosion.

The hole where her heart was meant to rest ached once more.

* * *

On Thursday afternoon Katniss went to Haymitch's house.

It was dark. The curtains were drawn, although some parts of the deep purple curtains had been pulled violently from their hooks allowing for there to be random rays of light around the room. It was enough for Katniss to figure out where she should step and where she definitely shouldn't.

She was having a hard time finding Haymitch. More than once she shoved a promising lump with the toe of her boot just to find out if was a pile of disgusting clothes and other unidentifiable objects.

"Haymitch!" she called out, her eyes burning from the smell. "Where are you, you useless drunk?"

"He's not here." Katniss jumped and turned quickly to the voice that came from behind her. Standing there, unfazed by their surroundings, was Franklin Fairchild. He was one of the boys who lived on her street back in the Seam. He couldn't be much older than fourteen.

"What are you doing here?" Katniss asked, immediately on guard. "Are you trying to steal from Haymitch?"

The boy laughed and shook his head. "Nah, I'm here to pick up this," he held up a bottle of whiskey, "we're about to have the meeting and Haymitch is extra crabby."

"Haymitch is at the meeting too?" Katniss frowned.

"Well yeah, he always is." The boy shrugged, looking unsure of what else he should say. "So… do you mind if I just go now?"

Katniss didn't answer, instead she turned around and walked out the front door.

* * *

Back in her house, she sat on the kitchen table, the notebook in front of her.

Hastily she grabbed the pen she'd quickly ran into the study to find and began angrily scratching her handwriting into the immaculate pages.

_ Haymitch went to the meeting._

_ Peeta is holding the meetings._

_ Gale is Head of Security._

_ Mother works at the District Four Hospital._

_ It has been one year since the war._

She stared at the page. She felt nothing. She understood nothing.

_Prim died._

She stared at the words on the page.

_Prim died in a war._

_I should have died in the war._

She closed the notebook quickly and tried to ignore the fact that she didn't know why she didn't seem to feel anything anymore.

* * *

When Peeta let himself in for his nightly visit she surprised him by sitting on the grand staircase in front of the front door.

"Why didn't you tell me about it?" the sound of her voice surprised him, she watched him take a step back, one foot effectively back outside, as he looked up and found her sitting on the fifth step.

"Why didn't I tell you what?" He asked in return while stepping fully into the house and closing the door softly behind him.

"You didn't tell me about the meetings. I would like to know about the meetings."

Peeta's expression communicated his surprise. "Oh, well that's great. I can tell you about anything you want. They're mostly about building supplies really."

"Why didn't you tell me before?" She looked at his hair, never directly in the eyes. "You should have told me before."

"I didn't think you would be interested." He admitted, "I didn't mean to exclude you. I'm sorry if you feel like I did."

She deflated. Why didn't he ever do anything warranting her anger? He was always proving himself to be, effortlessly, kinder and better than her. "I am interested, now."

She could hear the smile in his voice. She refused to look at it. "Good. Come, I brought you some bread to make up for being late today."

She followed him into her kitchen. She stared at his back as he moved around. She wondered if she'd ever seen that shirt before. It was blue, long-sleeved, maybe cotton. She wondered how many things she knew and didn't know.

"Are you in the mood for some tea? I'm in the mood for some tea." He said as he dropped a brown paper bag on the counter and pulled out something small.

"I'll put the water on," Katniss mumbled.

"I brought you some muffins too, I was in a muffin mood." He continued, "I made a lot. I think I'm having a hard time remembering how to downsize recipes. I always do too much, at everything. It's my most annoying quality."

"Making too many muffins is a quality?" she asked as she turned up the burner as high as it would go.

He chuckled, "no, but I'm a self-doubter when I'm making a new thing. I always think I'm not doing enough, so I end up with a lot of stuff. My dad used to chastise me for that all the time."

"Oh," Katniss said, and just stared at the stove before her.

"They're planning to help me out with the bakery," Peeta continued easily. "I don't know how long it'll take. Maybe six months. But we'll start on it soon."

Peeta set down a plate of muffins on her breakfast table, identical to his own, and sat down on one of the booths. "I'm excited."

Katniss nodded and followed, sitting opposite him. "That's nice."

"It is," He grinned, she continued to avoid direct eye contact and looked back down at her hands.

"How was you day?" he asked her when it was clear she wasn't going to ask him anything else. "Did you go to the woods today?"

She shook her head. "I woke up late."

"That's too bad, it was a nice day today." She could sense him seeking her out, he was always trying to help her out of her shell.

"You're hair looks different today. It's nice. Is you hair always that curly?"

She looked up mostly because she was surprised he would mention it at all and accidentally looked him in the eyes. He was looking at her kindly, a bit of sadness was there too. She looked away.

Tugging on the hair in question she nodded, "Yeah, that's one of the reasons I braid it."

"You don't like it?" he asked her.

"No," she shook her head. "It's just hair. But since it curls a bit, its hard to brush."

He was looking right at her, she could feel it, he was looking for something.

"It's not like you've never seen it like this before." She frowned. "I wore it down to bed sometimes."

He shook his head, "I don't remember really. They always straightened you hair for TV."

She gulped, "Yeah, they did. It didn't fit the look I guess."

The kettle screamed and Peeta went to get their tea. She stared at the muffins, they were blueberry.

After a moment Peeta put down a mug in front of her. He didn't immediately move his hand away. Instead he sighed.

"Katniss about the other day-"

"There isn't anything else left to say." She interrupted, unwilling to talk about feelings when she hardly felt anything at all. "I understand boundaries."

He nodded and sat back down across from her. "Okay, but I just want to make sure you're okay."

"I'm okay."

"And we're still a team." He leaned forward slightly, probably to make sure she was paying attention. "You said we had always been a team. We are. We always will be. It's just not the same situation."

"We're a team." She nodded and reached out for a muffin. "I know that. You're my ally."

He nodded and reached out for a muffin too. "Okay."

She looked up at him, he was looking down so it was safe. "Dr. Aurelious said he talked to you about me."

He nodded, he looked up and she could see he was jawing. She stared at a moving muscle in his jaw.

"We talk about you a lot. It's part of my therapy."

She nodded in response. "Does he tell you about what I tell him?"

He shook his head. "No, your emotions are yours. I have no right to them."

Katniss looked away from him entirely. "He gave me a journal to write in."

"That's good!" Peeta said encouragingly. "Do you enjoy it?"

"I don't think I have emotions." She confessed. "I'm telling you this because you're the only person I trust."

"And Haymitch wasn't home when you went looking for him today," he said amusedly.

Her shoulders tensed. He was right. "It isn't anything funny, Peeta. And you _are_ one of the only people I trust."

He nodded, "I know." He leaned back in his seat. "You have emotions, Katniss. A lot of them."

"No I don't." She shook her head, "I don't."

"Of course you do. Right now you're annoyed at me, angry at yourself, and angrier at Haymitch."

She looked up at him and again accidentally caught his gaze. His eyes were compassionate. It hurt too much so she looked away.

"You feel all the time. You just don't like to be the type of person that feels things." He shrugged. "It's understandable, I've been there."

"I don't like you."

"I know," Peeta chuckled, "but it's true."

"I want you to include me in the town meeting." Katniss said suddenly. "I want to know about what's being rebuilt."

Peeta nodded, "done."

"And I want you to show me what's new in town." Katniss sat up straight. "It's been a year since the war, I need to see the District."

He nodded again.

"And you will stay for dinner tomorrow." She continued, "because we're allies and you're my friend."

"Okay," Peeta said softly.

"Okay," Katniss repeated with conviction.


End file.
